Hey guys! Welcome back and hope you’re all having a lovely day. I can’t believe it’s November already. I feel like if I blink it’ll all of a sudden be Christmas (not that it would be a bad thing though). I want to write something a bit different today. I guess kinda let some things off my chest and I guess to explain why I started blogging in the first place. *Warning this is quite lengthy I babbled on quite a bit sorry.*
At the beginning of the year I started my first year of University. I was there for a semester (half a year) until I decided to withdraw from the second half of the year. It’s hard to explain why I left. It wasn’t because I hated it. The campus was beautiful and all my teachers were caring and considerate. It wasn’t because I felt alone. Some of my friends attended the same University, maybe not the same classes, but we always met up whenever we had free time. Also, I was starting to make friends in my new class. I wasn’t failing my classes as I averaged a credit to a distinction mark. I just felt a bit lost, I guess you could say. Still to this day I don’t even really know how to describe how I felt.
Before the year even started I wasn’t a 100% committed to begin University but I blamed that on nerves as it was something new and different. It also felt expected of me to attend University. When I was accepted into my preferred course everyone was so proud of me I felt like I needed to go as well because my friends were going. I know people say don’t go or do something just because your friends are, don’t compare their plans to yours but it’s an instinct that you can’t help but follow. It’s easier to follow than make your own path even if it’s not what you want. I had to think of my own path.
At the end of last year a few things happened just as I was finishing high school that I guess threw me off track and shocked me. These things were to do with family health and personal health. I won’t go into too much detail, at least not yet, maybe one day. Nevertheless, I feel like it made me want to focus on my own personal health a bit more which was why I feel like I was unmotivated to begin University. I was not in the right state of mind of wanting to study for another 4 years (minimum) nor did I want to if I’m being honest.
I didn’t voice my opinion for a while because as I said earlier I wasn’t fully sure what I was feeling when at Uni. I wanted to go because neither of my parents had, making all of my family feel proud of me and I didn’t want to let them down. Also most of the time when I hinted at how I was feeling at the beginning I would get kinda shut down by people as it was “normal to feel restless and lost” but those answers didn’t satisfy me. I didn’t want to feel like that.
In my mind I was saying I didn’t have to go to University if I didn’t want to, it wasn’t like previous years where I had to. I now had a choice. I feel like it came to the point where my mum could tell what was going through my mind so I explained to her how I was feeling as best as I could. I feel lucky that she’s understanding and not pushing me.
After a couple of appointments and discussions I ended up withdrawing for the rest of the year with the opportunity of picking up where I left off this year as though I had never left. I felt relieved on my last day as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. All my friends understood and hopefully my family does as well although I know at the back of their mind they’re probably wanting me to go back but are happy to let me decide my path now.
For a while I had been wanting to start up and write a blog. My mum always encouraged me because she thought it would be good for me. To write and hopefully help clear my mind. I mentioned it to a few friends and they thought it was a great idea so I thought to myself why not?. I’d been putting it off for some unknown reason but as I am no longer at Uni I have more time (even though I have been job hunting but sadly have had no luck) so I thought it would the perfect opportunity. Give it a go instead of regretting it later on.
I’m hoping to find a job soon, even though it has been almost around 3 months and nothing has happened. It’s a different type of pressure that has been put on me now. As I’m no longer spending my time studying, writing essays/reports or cramming for a test it’s required for me to have a job and start earning some money as well as work experience. I agree it would be great to earn my own money and work experience but as the months go on with no luck it’s another type of stress I’m experiencing instead.
I’ve had the question “So now that you’re not at Uni, what’s your plan?” numerous of times. I never know how to answer that because I don’t have a plan and I kinda like it. Having my own schedule. So far the only things I have planned is working on my blog, creating content and looking for a job. At times I pretend I’m still at Uni so I don’t get asked questions ‘cause it’s easier to say I’m at Uni as some people seem startled that I’m not attending University. My friends were pleased that I had made this decision instead of pushing myself to the point I would burn out.
Overall, I apologise if this whole thing seemed like a ramble. To be honest I’ll be surprised if anybody has made it this far. This has been going through my mind, filling up my thoughts, so I’m just emptying it out into writing. I just want people to know that it’s okay to make time for yourself. No one should feel guilty for deciding to stop and take care of yourself whether it means taking a gap year before diving into the world of University or simply putting something aside that has been stressing you out and taking a day or two (or however long you feel necessary) for yourself before attempting it again. You have to look after yourself now instead of later when it’s to the point where the damage might be too much.
Until next time…